If you had met me ten years ago, and actually got to know me, you would have met a pretty angry, negative person. In 2001, I almost accidentally killed myself…if it would have happened it would have looked like suicide. In reality it was a chemical depression caused by a combination of pain killers prescribed by ‘doctors’ the insurance companies insisted on, PTSD, TBI and common grief.
By the end of 2009 the economy had taken its toll on me in addition to my family falling apart at the seams. Life was bleak and it was about to get significantly worse.
Somewhere in the mess of all this crap I got ‘involved’ with a man who was not healthy for me. There was once a conversation that went like this: “What if Jesus was just a Brett Favre on steroids?” In other words, a celebrity of the time whose popularity grew for no apparent reason other than people’s need to celebrate the perceived greatness of a man?
This was probably one of the darkest moments in my life. I would soon lose EVERYTHING I had thought was important after making that statement out loud.
I was one of those who laughed at how ‘Christians’– especially those who went to those rock-n-roll churches– were always ‘happy’ and always ‘sing’ even the words ‘good morning!’
Then it happened. I was officially homeless, sleeping on a friend’s couch. I was broke and broken. I honestly didn’t think I had any love left in me and wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love.
As I drove away from that man’s house with the stuff he didn’t see any value in keeping, I heard a soft voice in my mind that said ‘go pray at Midnight.’ I knew of an adoration chapel and went. At exactly Midnight the door unlocked and I was able to enter.
I grabbed a Bible and knelt down.
I prayed in a way I had never prayed before.
“Show me what you want me to know.” I randomly opened the book and read, “If someone takes what is yours, let it go, it is just belongings, no one can take your heart for it belongs to God.” Then I opened another page and I read, “Even if you no longer have family I will give you another.”
I was there a long time before I went back to my friend’s place and laid on that couch not knowing what I was going to do next. I still thought that I was in control of what I was supposed to do.
Around 4:30 in the morning I laid there and cried. I openly admitted that I could not control my life and that I had to give up. This wasn’t a suicide moment; it was a heart moment. I had to give up my heart and my mind and let God take over. I finally fell asleep. I woke up with a song in my head … It was ‘Be not Afraid, I go Before You Always, Come Follow ME and I Will Give You Rest.’ It was 7:32 in the morning now according to my phone.
I woke up light.
I got right to taking care of things and realized mid-morning what day it was. It was July 23.
On July 23rd of 1998 mom woke me around 4:30 in the morning. She had not been lucid in weeks but we proceeded to have a great conversation which ended with her telling me how much she loves me. I went back to bed. Later that same morning I stopped counting the seconds between each breath because I had to pronounce that there would be no more. She took her first breath of heaven at 7:32 in the morning.
I miss her more then words could ever convey.
A few weeks ago I received the most important compliment of my life. A co-worker answered my question of why she thought I didn’t ‘fit in’ at work.
“Honestly, we talk about you a lot! We just don’t get you. You have nothing, you want NOTHING, you are willing to give everything, and you sleep on an air mattress! On top of it you are always happy! We just don’t get you and that makes a lot of us uncomfortable.” My response was… “So, it’s the Jesus thing.”
Her reply? “Yeah, and you’re not like other ‘Christians’ — you haven’t forced your beliefs on any of us…we just don’t get you.”
I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Thank you, it’s okay that I don’t fit in…I will always choose Jesus over fitting in for the rest of my existence,” and walked away.
I’m not in control and no longer need to be. I’m no longer lonely and He has replaced my ‘family’ with people who love me for the broken person I am. I no longer see my life as tragic or blame others for my circumstances. I brought a lot of what happened to me on. I made those choices and the things that happened outside of my control? Shit happens … we live in a broken world… what matters is how we react to the crap.
There is a song in my head every morning and every night as I lay down. I give all the glory to my risen Lord.
So now…I’m one of those ‘Christians’ who sings good morning and puts her hands up in prayer. I wear bright colors and dance…for the Lord and if you just don’t ‘get’ me, I’m okay with that. My heart is overwhelmed with joy daily even in the stress of daily life.
If that’s what you would like…spend some time in the Book and have a talk with God. Then ask yourself if you can give up the identity of control freak. The moment you give that title up…will be a change no words can describe.
Happy Easter. –Lisa Ann Krutzik